Friday, July 31, 2009

F***ing Hate Myself

I ****ing hate it when I can not help people who are REALLY suffering. I so ****ing hate myself at such time!

This is what happened...

This morning, as my car had gone for maintenance, I had to travel by Call Taxi - Fast Track. The person who schedules cars has assigned two cars for my home, it seems. The moment I left from home in a car, the next car has arrived my home. That taxi driver had to go back which will cost him Rs.250 as a fine. **** it! It is not my fault though and I was not a lot bothered for this.

As we travelled through the 100 feet road, the driver started talking to me; so did I! We spoke about the driver's native place and also about the his occupation. I was asking does he really like his job... Driving 24/7 is like **** I can not do that! He was like 18-20 years old.. more like my younger brother. He said, "I studied only till 5th Standard and as a matter of fact, I can not apply for License but then making use of the holes in our Indian Constitution I somehow managed to get a HEAVY License and that gave me a Job today!" I had mixed feelings for him both - Happy & Sad. Happy for he got a way to earn and sad for cheating up the law and also not having studied more than 5th standard.

I even was talking with him about the fraud and forgery happening in Dubai... tempting people to go there for their job but then using them like servants blah blah, we also talked about the Iran and Iraq thing where they throw Sulphur Phosphide over the School Children. The driver said if he had that chemical with him, he would throw that against traffic police men for the bribe they demand all the time. SCREW THEM! B45T4RD5!

This is it... the bad time has just started for us! The driver drove straight where I told him to take left. He got confused and made a turn halfway on the road. Nobody's life was in danger but then as it went against the Traffic Rules, we were caught by a Traffic Police Man. The way he started talking with us was like we were rougues and cheap lives that does not worth living. I seriously did not want to quotes each and everything the Police man said. Everytime, he addresed the driver, he used "Naaye... Yei... " and even some other worst words which only a drunkard will use. All these drama was totally new to me. I have seen such things happening only in the movies and this made me feel like... "GRR WTF!"

The police man asked me to get out of the car. I dont know why or what for. I am just a passenger and I have not nothing to do with it. Anyways, I got down for the sake of that little boy, the driver. I started supporting him and told the Policeman, "I got a meeting at 10 and it is almost 9.30 now. Please let us go. No one's life is in danger now and nobody is hurt. Besides turing half way is faulty I agree. Give us another chance!" I literally pleaded him. He started yelling (in those "WORST" words) at the driver and did not listen to any of my words. He caught hold of that driver's collar and was about to knock him right on his nose. I was shocked, tensed all at the same time and told the police to stop beating him. The police man then asked me, "you been supporting him right from the beginning. Do you already know him or what? You never seem to listen my points" in a sarcastic tone. **** HIM What is it to him... I may be that driver's sister, mother, gf, wife, neighbor or even a keep DAMN What is it to that police man and how does it matter him? I then started being quiet as I did not wanted to talk more on that! The police man then asked the driver, "You give me 700, I may consider leaving you". We were about to give him the 700... **** bribe but then there was another police man who started asking us the whole story... we started over and after hearing all that he asked that driver's license! To add to the misery, his license was expired. He however had renewed it. His renewed copy was not with him though. So, he tried explaining it to them but those stupid ****ers did not listen to anything. He filed a case and asked him to pay 1,500.

It was already 10 and I am already late for Office. But then I was trying to do everything that I can to support that poor little boy - the driver. There was an Auto Driver who just had paid the fine and then taking his Auto off the road. He noticed us and asked that boy what matter did they catch him for. He explained it all to him and then the Auto driver told me that I better start with him. If I keep on staying there not only that I will be late to office but also had to hear unnecessary abusive words and beating which I am totally not used to! I agreed to it and asked that driver if its ok with him if I leave. He agreed as well. Before I parted I rang that driver's owner and told him there is no fault on that driver at all. Its just the Police men who caught him for no reason, filed a case, also spoke bad on me and even was about to smack that boy down. I requested that owner not to take any serious action on him. I paid 160 for the kms which he drove and left from the place in that Auto.

On our way, I really had a heavy heart! I started feeling guilty.. "Is it because of me he had to turn half way and got caught? Or is it just the bad time for us? Either way, he is now caught up and had to pay 1,500. Sh1T!"

The Auto driver himself told me, "These Traffic police men are very bad. Do you know why they caught me?" I did not respond. I still was feeling bad. He then continued, "I was trying to take some passengers near the Bus stand and a Police man how can I take passengers near Bus stand? This is how I end up paying 1,500." All these things started making me feel bad and gave me a severe head ache. I paid the Auto driver 1,20 and got out of it as I arrived my office. The driver gave me a hint - "I have been looking at you talking with that Police man. My sincere advice is Please never talk like that with them. They never are the same person. They will be very bad and even will take you to the Police station for no reason. You will never have experienced all these. Did you notice - He was asking you whether you know that driver already or how are you related to him as you were always supporting him. It's our drivers fate that we have to suffer. You women should not get involved. Otherwise, you will not be able to digest 90% of the things they speak and do".

I realized the TRUTH behind his speech. As I walked towards my office, I could not concentrated on anything. My heart was already heavy! The poor little boy, driver called me up and told me that his manager came and paid 600. He somehow managed to pay 500. Now only 400 is pending out of that 1,500 fine, if that was also paid then he can take his license back. He was asking me if I can help, I could not say NO, I told him I will. The reason I agreed to it was basically humanity and nothing more. There is also an another reason - Remember... It was me who asked him to take a sudden left due to which he caught up and all that mess happened. I really could not spot out on who should the 100 % fault me put. I was confused. I always share both good and bad news to my parents. My appa was like do not him 400. He is teaming up with the Policeman and trying to steal from us. **** How can it be? I saw him being caught and saw all the mess and insults he was going through. How can he cheat on me and that too for 400? My dad's words mean a lot to me even though they are not based on humanity or justice or pity. I do what my dad says. I callled that driver again and told him that I can not give you 400 as my dad is scolding me. I can give you 100 though. I will somehow manage it saying I went out for lunch with my freinds etc. I can even say the same lie for whole of 400 as well but then he somehow will find out and scold me for nothing! It's not that I am scared of my dad's scoldings but then I did not wanted to do what he does not like. I am one of those ****ing retards.

Now I feel really bad for not being able to help that poor little boy, I am a lamer, a tosser, a ****ing retard, a moron, minger and all the worst things in this whole world! I can not help myself from hating me!


Anonymous said...

Hi MzClaws,

While you feel guilty about not being able to help the driver, understand this:

You told your driver that you wanted to turn left. It is up to the discretion of the driver to discern if he could take a left there, or would he have to take a different route to make that left.

My point is - It is not your fault that your driver had to pay fine\bribe.

So write it off your guilt list.
Annoyed of the traffic officials behavior - you can be. But guilty - No, don't be guilty.

You should not feel guilty about something you don't have to. Now that, is something you could be guilty about! ha..ha..

Happy future :)